After the seriousness and stress of my last post, I figured I'd lighten it up a bit this time. A bit. Not too much though. I am feeling less of a weight on my shoulders thanks to my BF who took all the kids last night and left me with a few glorious, calm and quiet hours to myself. I said he saved my life. More accurately, he was probably just trying to save his. In any case. It worked. Just a wee bit of time to breath and engage in my (special) interest and I feel 10 times better. The urge to run is fading and the urge to duct tape everyone to chairs in the basement is completely gone. See? Just listen to me and do what I say, and all will be well with the world. I've noticed he is trying. And trying is A Okay with me.
So today, I figured I'd continue on with my 99 problem journey. One of my alone activities last night included reading The Girl with the Curly Hair. I've been following her on Facebook for the better part of a year and in my desperate state of mind as of late, I figured I would buy her book. I, of course, ended up buying three, because I can't ever do anything half assed. I can identify with almost everything, and even though some of the things I identify with aren't necessary good...it still feels good. It's incredibly calming and brings an abundance of relief to read her words, nod in agreement, think how much sense it makes and then breathe. Really breathe. A deep cleansing breath of... thank god somebody gets it.
The problem of the day isn't too deep, although, watch. I bet I can change that. It's a sensory problem, which I've only recently been able to identify as being triggers to my anxiety/panic attacks. My problem #4.....
Not just the smell of perfume, but really, the smell of anything. Anything I don't like anyway. I don't wear perfume. I used to years ago, because, I was supposed to. Because my mother did. Because people said it smelled soooo good. I've never liked it. My BF wears cologne and if he gets too close, every morning I'm coughing and waving him away. It's not just that it smells. I honestly think the main problem is that I can taste it. I can taste all of it. Cologne. In. My. Mouth. Ugh. By the evening, however, enough has worn off during the day that I can find it somewhat pleasant. I'm like this with most things that people use to make themselves smell nice. Hair products are the same. I hardly even used to use them with long hair. Now that I've cut my hair I have to and it's torture. All day long I feel like I'm eating gel and hairspray. If I do it too many days in a row I'll start to get headaches. I've started taking days off and putting my hair in this scarf like headband, so people probably think I'm undergoing chemo.
Cleaners, laundry detergent, air fresheners...it's all the same. As a child, my mother made me go to the grocery store with her. I hated it for many reasons, but one of the worst parts of the whole experience was going down the laundry detergent aisle. I would avoid it at all costs. "I can taste it!" I would say. "You're not eating it, Hope. You can't taste it." She would counter. She was wrong. I could taste it. I still can. My guess is it has something to do with my senses being crossed. My mother always used Gain Detergent. It was one of the worst. I could taste it for days. I now use all unscented detergents. No dyes. No perfumes. My BF's ex uses Gain. I've never been in her laundry room, but I know by the taste I get in my mouth, when her kids walk through the door.
The smells created when cooking can have the same effect. I taste it. If it's something I like to taste it's not so bad. If it's something I don't like to taste, I get to, whether I eat it or not. If it's spicy my eyes will burn.
Body odor? Bad breath? Don't get me started, and believe me, I know I'm not immune to either. I can't take it when I stink either. I cannot sit next to someone who stinks. I will move. I've been known to just come out and say..."ewww. you smell." It's not considered appropriate or polite, but I'm sorry, I stand by that truth, simply because if I was sending off an offensive odor and for some reason was not aware, I would hope to god someone would tell me. It's like the spinach in the teeth, or the booger in the nose. Don't be a dick and let me walk around like that all day. Seriously. Don't be a dick.
So as you can see, smells are an issue, but that is not to say that I don't like any smells. I love the smell of baked goods, fruity shampoos, my hemp hand lotion, freshly brewed coffee, newly cut grass or flowers, and beer. I'm sure it's no accident that these all happen to be things I can consume, including the grass and flowers. I'm sure there are others, I just can't think of them now.
Only 95 more to go!
Hope, who just thought of one exception to the edible/smell rule and that is gasoline. I do still kind of love the smell of gasoline.