I don't like it. I don't adjust well to it. I know it happens and people say it's inevitable. Some even say it's good. Maybe sometimes it is. If I, myself, am initiating the change it's easier. That might sound selfish. In fact, I'm sure it does, but it's not coming from a selfish place. I rarely initiate change. Instead I've spent most of my life to trying to find a place to fit into. A place where I'm comfortable, accepted, loved, and dare I say happy. When I find that (or think I've found that) then I don't want it to change. Who would? But it does. People change, even the ones who claim they can't. They stop doing what they used to do. Saying what they used to say. Stop looking at you the way they used to look at you. Lifestyles change. Habits change. Activities change.
Being a some what logical person I always have to find a reason for things. If something changes and I can't understand why, I need to figure out why, because somewhere in my twisted logic I think if I can fix it, it can go back to the way it was. This never works. NEVER. Instead it will normally make everything worse. And all of the "changing" ultimately takes away the comfort, acceptance, and love that made my life a comfortable place. I end up lost and vulnerable. I don't like that either, so usually after years of trying and failing to get that back, I start to shut things out. I don't know exactly how to explain it, and I don't do it on purpose. People talk about "building walls" and I guess, in a way, it's like that. It's not that I don't want to feel anything, because I do. It's more like I just shut off. Like inside I have some kind of limit as to how much pain or sadness I can feel and once I've reached that limit, a flip is switched. I can feel it coming and I even try to communicate that, but obviously I'm having a hard time now, so saying the words must sound even crazier. In any case, once the switch is flipped, I retreat to a different comfortable place inside myself, and this is when I normally initiate my own change. It sounds like a cycle. Maybe it is, but it's not done out of desire. I'm sure of this. It's done out of need. It's a survival mechanism.
This could be normal. I'm not really sure, to be honest. I just know that this is how I work (or perhaps, don't work is a better choice of words.) How do you explain this? How could anyone make allowances for it? Who would want to? At what point do you suck it up and realize maybe all this wanting to "go back" simply means it's really time to "go forward".
Hope, who is ironically calmer than she has been in a while.